Sorry for everything being about me right now, but I gotta es-press my major issues. It helps me not split open and ooze crazy all over tha place!
Today was the first day on a new drug. Still taking the old ones (There's two of them) Now I'm taking a controlled-release stimulant to help with all the lethargy and depression. I'm on downers to help with my anxiety/OCD but the side effects have been robbing me of a life. So in goes the magic pill this morning, down the chute! Well, it's not the kind that has to build up in your system. It goes in, releases its magic for the next 8 hours, and out it comes. So here's what it did to me.
I was filled with paranoia and guilt. More guilt than I am used to and that is saying a lot since guilt is pretty much my primary emotion. I felt like people were looking at me funny. I felt like everyone was mad at me. I felt like a bad mom and wife and friend and sister and....you get the idea.
So, what is my reaction to all of this? I feel pissed. Why oh why can't I just get better? I'm exhausting every resource I have available to me and still, I'm coming up short. I exercise regularly. I take my meds diligently. I see my psych religiously. I pray about it....alot. Not as much as I could, probably. I have sought blessings and read and learned and pondered. I have combed books and picked brains. Perhaps it's time to throw in the towel. There are worse things than a life of angst and despair. I mean, I have great friends, great family and the gospel. Wish it were enough. Let me at least sleep and revisit this endless saga in the morning.
Goodnight friends.
7 comments:
while reading this the song came to my mind..."The sun will come out, tomorrow"! Hoping that it will for you. I love ya Liz!
I love you, my friend :)
Shel-
Liz, I really did love seeing you yesterday. Being around you was a bright spot in my day! Thank you so much for holding Preston for me! You are grand! And I'm sorry for all you are dealing with. You are loved.
Elizabeth,
Cut yourself some slack. I just took down my Christmas decorations the day after Valentine's Day, and only because my mother in law came over with her broken foot to help me. (You think you have guilt and shame? I let an old lady with a broken foot help me take down Christmas decorations, and I feel very guilty and ashamed that I do not at all feel guilty and ashamed.)
As for the new meds, don't take them again.
As for the depression, blow everything off. Eat whatever you want, exercise if you want, make a point to hang out with people who make you happy, catch up on all of the shows that you DVR'd.
If part of your stress is feeling like your house isn't clean enough, call a friend or one of your sister's to sit and talk with you while you clean it, or just blow it off and laugh with them about how you're going to eat Mexican food instead of cleaning.
The three biggest things that help me from falling into a bigger hole when I am depressed are:
1. Get out of my pajamas as soon as I wake up (the 2nd time)after going back to sleep after the kid goes to school. Most of the time this includes makeup, but sometimes I get distracted and forget that I forgot my makeup. (It's okay. I don't have to look at myself, that's the burden of the rest of the world.)
2. Get out of the house for a little bit and talk to someone. Sometimes just saying hello to a neighbor is enough for me. (And we both know that one of your neighbors is always in the mood for you to drop in unannounced.)
Talk to someone at the Y, and don't worry about if you are bugging them. Give a newbie some bad advice on how to use one of the weight machines, and then when things go wrong, while you are laughing to yourself, tell them, "I am so sorry. I should just learn to keep my mouth shut."...I've done it more times than I care to admit (again, no guilt or shame.)
3. I've forgotten the 3rd. That's hilarious isn't it? It's just like I am sitting there in person telling you all about the 3 things that always cheer me up, and completely spacing on the third thing. (By the way, last Friday, I forgot the ice cream in Mrs. Coffee's room. The tide has officially turned. I am no longer the holder of the "Smartest Adult of the Day" award that I so prided myself on. It is being returned to you...again.)
Next time I am depressed, we will know it's because I've forgotten the 3rd ingredient to my happiness recipe, and we'll laugh about it because by then I will either have forgotten about one and two, or adamantly deny that I am the one who gave you such hokey advice.
Oh yeah, I remember what the 3rd piece of advice is: Go out and Gossip. Go out of your way to hear about and discuss something that someone told you that starts with, "I shouldn't tell you this, but..."
And if, God forbid, you do your best, but can't find any gossip, go buy Us Magazine and discuss the celebrities on the cover like they are close family friends. (Such as, "Suri Cruse still takes a bottle.", or "The mom of the octuplets is obsessed with Angelina Jolie.")
And if all else fails, and you are at Depression Def Com 5, come over to my house and I'll teach you how to pickle chicken.
Love ya,
Courtney
Man, I have wonderful friends. Thanks you guys.
I would feel like giving up too. That's not to say I think you should, just saying I sympathize with that feeling. You are seriously one of the most dedicated women I know. Most people (me included) WOULD have given up long ago but you remain a woman of faith. You are allowed to have times when you feel like giving up. You are even allowed to give up for a time because we all know that you will come back. The hard thing about times like these is that we, as your friends who love you, wish we could do more. And you wish someone could wave their magic wand & make it go away too. It sucks & I'm sorry. But know that many love you, many would do anything for you & that goes for when you're up or down. You're a good person Liz & one that I admire. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
Even more guilt? Impossible. It's time to kick that new drug to the curb.
Also, I fully advocate being ticked when something really is NOT going your way. As you know, I frequently refer to myself as an angry, angry person. If it's any consolation, I also had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
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