Today I'll be working at my kids' school. That will be good for me. Once I'm out the door and around people I usually feel pretty good. And I could do that everyday (and often do) but then my house and it's uanavoidable needs become sorely neglected. The pile of laundrey next to Jared's side of the bed is becoming known as "the mound." When my kids are desperately seeking socks in the morning I say,"Go check the mound." When there isn't a pair of jeans to be found when the morning is brisk, I tell them,"I think there are some clean ones in the mound." The mound is a clever mixture of both clean and dirty clothes and I think the cat may have puked in there somewhere. She broke into the house and tore a hole in the bag of catfood in the pantry and ate to her belly's content. So, I think I got all of what looked like cat puke clothes out of the mound and into the laundrey room (still not in the washer) but you never know with a mound of this magnitude. The cat could be in there for all I know. The only answer is the laundrey mat. (I actually love the laundrey mat. Coins jingling, washers agitating, dryers humming, weirdos abound, I find it all very soothing.) It will have to be done all at once. All of it. No sense in trying to sort. If a cat puked in the mound it is all pretty unsanitary wouldn't you say? Hope CPS doesn't follow this blog.

not title worthy

This morning I feel..just blank. And a little sad. The sad is curcumstantial. The blank is mostly chemical. I will now shower.

Where I Be

Sorry for everything being about me right now, but I gotta es-press my major issues. It helps me not split open and ooze crazy all over tha place!

Today was the first day on a new drug. Still taking the old ones (There's two of them) Now I'm taking a controlled-release stimulant to help with all the lethargy and depression. I'm on downers to help with my anxiety/OCD but the side effects have been robbing me of a life. So in goes the magic pill this morning, down the chute! Well, it's not the kind that has to build up in your system. It goes in, releases its magic for the next 8 hours, and out it comes. So here's what it did to me.

I was filled with paranoia and guilt. More guilt than I am used to and that is saying a lot since guilt is pretty much my primary emotion. I felt like people were looking at me funny. I felt like everyone was mad at me. I felt like a bad mom and wife and friend and sister and....you get the idea.

So, what is my reaction to all of this? I feel pissed. Why oh why can't I just get better? I'm exhausting every resource I have available to me and still, I'm coming up short. I exercise regularly. I take my meds diligently. I see my psych religiously. I pray about it....alot. Not as much as I could, probably. I have sought blessings and read and learned and pondered. I have combed books and picked brains. Perhaps it's time to throw in the towel. There are worse things than a life of angst and despair. I mean, I have great friends, great family and the gospel. Wish it were enough. Let me at least sleep and revisit this endless saga in the morning.

Goodnight friends.

Unwanted Visitor

I got an unexpected visit from an old "friend" recently. She isn't gone yet so I'm having to force myself quickly through this post so I can attend to her. She is a quite demanding guest.



She got here about a week ago. I hadn't seen her in quite some time and I quickly remembered why I don't like having her around. I do all I can to keep her at bay but she somehow always manages to wiggle back into my life. I'm just going to vent a moment and I hope ya'll can handle it.





She is moody! I've never met anyone so unstable! I never know what she'll do next! Sometimes her behavior is rash but mostly she is just grumpy and sometimes downright mean! She is very rude--having little to no regard for others. While these things seem to take up a lot of my time and worry, she can also be irritatingly "zoned out". I'd venture to say she is mind-numbingly boring. She can be very quiet and robotic. She never wants to do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE. She sleeps EXCESSIVELY and eats all of the junk food in my house.....ALL OF IT! She doesn't want delicious meals or just regular food! She wants fat-laden, grease-saturated, frosting-coated JUNK! When I have none left to offer she forces me out the door to buy more.





The worst part is I never know when she plans on leaving. She stays just as long as she pleases. She doesn't leave when I ask her to, or even when I TELL her to. There isn't one thing I can do to get rid of her. There isn't one thing ANYONE can do to get rid of her!! How long will she be here? I have no idea!!!





She'll finally decide, for whatever reason, to up and leave just as swiftly as she arrived, and then I'll be able to breathe again. It takes a while to transition back into normal life once she's gone. I have a lot to catch up on having neglected my life to better accomodate her endless list of demands. Who, might you ask, is this horrible girl?















Her name is Depression, and I hate her.