clinic day

Not too much to say. Today was Spina Bifida Clinic for Harris and he got a good report from all 2 million doctors and specialists who he sees on this fine annual check-up. The dietician reports that he needs more calcium (tums will work) and the orthopedic doc added ten minutes of stretching to his daily list of to-do's cuz his ankles are getting tight.
His tests all went well except he lost his religion when they drew blood...this is something new they do to check for renal failure since a couple of their kids suddenly went into renal failure with no warning. He seriously lost his damn (pardon me) mind and couldn't really get over the offense. Long after the blood was drawn, while Harris continued to lament his pain, my mom said, "Harris, maybe it still hurts because they wrapped that gauze around your arm too tightly?" To which he replied in a bitter tone, "Or maybe that lady stuck a needle in my arm!"

Joy

Life is always about finding that balance between what you want to do, what you have to do, what you should do, and what you feel you should do. It is a tricky business. Mental illness significantly complicates that business. And just in case anyone is rolling their eyes thinking every thing I say is about mental illness, well, it is. Just stayin' true to my reality here people. Mental illness makes it so that whether you are doing something you want to do (if you can even figure that out with your sicky brain) have to do, or should do, you don't get to feel what most others feel when doing it. You don't feel the regular happiness or satisfaction that is the effect of living a certain kind of life. That can be hard, when normal cause and effect stuff is missing. You find you are just managing...your anxiety, or depression, or OCD, rather than really living a life.
I layed with Harris today and read a book. I should do this, because he really struggles with reading and we try to do at least a little of it every day (let's be real and say every other day) As we were hammering out the task, and it was quite slow with fussiness and frustration (on both our parts) to boot, he started using this really funny voice. It made me laugh...hard. He started laughing hard too. You know, that really deep, from-the-gut laugh that your kids do tons as babies and less and less as they age? It was a moment of pure and utter joy. And I felt it. It felt good. Laughing really is my most favorite feeling.

lazy

today i layed around like a lazy slug. i read a book, well some of it, as i drifted in and out of consciousness. this was all on the heels of me telling jared that i needed him to clean out the garage and fix the dishwasher and i even told him and i quote, "Today is not one of those days you can lay around talking about how you are too tired to do anything!" And then I proceeded to do just that. And what did he do? He cleaned out the garage and fixed the dishwasher. I'm a bad wife. It's the truth. the bad punctuation in this post is due to today's laziness.

It is Done

I am officially resigned as secretary of the Pecan Grove P.T.A. I couldn't be happier with my decision. Look out world, it's a whole new me! And let me just give credit where credit is due. The Lord is kind. He is merciful and he is patient. Our deepest inner struggles sometimes manifest themselves as trivial symptoms in everyday life but those teaching opportunities are never lost on the Lord. I've learned so much through this experience and I thank Him for loving me enough to let me have it. And I pity the fool who tries to get me to say "yes" when what I really want to say is, "NO!" Here's to me spending more time enjoying the true riches in my life. "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."